I had promised myself 3 years ago that this blog entry will be a happier one...

However, i couldnt stop myself from feeling totally dejected and could only comfort myself with an uplifting entry frm a colleague's blog.

"The angel asked, "You aren't happy. How can I help you?" The poet replied, "I have everything. But I lack only one thing. Can you give it to me?" To which the angel happily said, "Sure. I can give you anything you desired."

The poet stared right into the angel's eyes, "I want happiness."

"All right," the angel nodded. And the angel proceed to take away everything the poet possessed. The angel took away the poet's talent, destroyed his looks, robbed his riches and killed his wife. The angel then left for heaven.

A month later, the angel appeared in front of the poet. The poet was lying on the ground, half dead, hungry and struggling for survival. The angel then returned him everything he once possessed and left for heaven again.

Two weeks later, the angel paid a visit to the poet. This time, the poet, together with his wife, thanked the angel profusely. He finally found happiness."

With this... I thank my good fortune for such wonderful parents, encouraging friends and opportunity given for a wonderful career.

Cheers~ to a bottle of whisksy ...

It is a cold and dreary night as I struggle on to finish off my presentation for tomorrow. The cold may partially have to do with the flu I am having now. My body filled with goosebumps with or without any wind. The cold white light and silence around me seems to denote some form of loneliness and do not offer any comfort. Silence filled the house as I am the only one awake at this time. Under such circumstances, I felt I am the only one left on the earth. Memories seem to bug me as I longed for some form of assurance and concern. Maybe that is the nuisance of being a woman, you fret over any little insecurity and every detail nudges some kind of depression.

My eyes seem to be beckoning me to sleep¡K. yet¡K all the misery that I am self indulging myself in thwart me from getting my much needed rest¡K¡K. It is upsetting to look at the calendar and found the long forgotten, forgotten again....

Good Nitez everyone.....

A recent funeral of my good friend's grandma left me wondering the significance of life. Life being all short demeans all joy, happiness and achievements since all that seems to matter now will be reduced to ashes in the end or just a name only on the tombs.

I seems to experience death and illness all around me. Another friend’s father undergoing the suffering from liver cancer, putting the whole family in gloom and financial difficulties. These are the things that left my heart witching in pain, of the sorrows endured by many in life.  It also brings back memories of what that happened in my family, the sudden increase in wrinkles on my father's face due to the incident  and my suicidal mom whose reason to live on hang on by the existence of me.

Maybe all is too upsetting to read. It may be due to my stress. Let's ponder on whether life is half filled or half empty glass. To me, it is half, one way or another.... I am just too indifferent.

Yesterday is a night of chore, obligations and exhaustion. It is my friend’s birthday yesterday and the usual bunch of close friends will be there. Very much looking forward to the gathering as it had been a long time all have the time to come together with our busy schedules. We use to have so much fun hanging around in our teens.

However due to my menses and the unpacking of some stuff of my new house, exhaustion left me collapsing on the bed till 10pm plus, I had managed to reach only when half the bunch and the drunk bday gal is leaving. So I made a trip to town ard midnite in cab wasted, though not much of a regret. I will be guiltier if I did not make the effort to go.

A few days ago, Ivy left a touching letter in her blog attention to Elisa. However, the mentioning of the friendship of us trio left me nearly moved to tears. I am very touched. Ivy and Elisa are two girls who greatly influence my life and I appreciate their wonderful gift of friendship. Thank you Ivy for the wonderful piece, both of you are fantastic in your own ways. Though we each will lead a much different path from now, my love for the two of you will never diminish.  Dearies…..keep in touch ya. =)

In case you all are wondering… I had nightmare yest night again… therefore the poetic me today… Enj your day everyone! ;)

DREAMS

Ghost of the past

In nights of horror motions

Shadows of guilt

Patterning similar consciousness

Angels and prophets

In haven of sobs

Cries of desperations

In happiness of shows

In the mind of truth

Where no lies hide

Dreams revealed

What waking denied

My letter to him today, written with open wounds and pain in the heart.

Sorry…  my lappy is down with the worm blaster flu. Could only email u from the office. How have you been?

I had been pretty depressed and did not answer your call cause I find that whenever we talk, it is stressful and we will end up quarreling. Just as I had said, cracks in this relationship cant be mend. How I hope that time could U-turn, or I had meet you at a better time. Things would have been better, there will not be the desperation and sorrow we have to suffer endlessly in the relationship. Maintaining this overseas relationship has taken the toil on us. I had tried… to erase everything and try everything fresh. However, I can see that it is something that you cant live with. You believe we cant ignore the presence of the past. I understand your stand, I had thought it will be the way to salvage the situation then till I am proven wrong.

For now, I find it no point to actually remedy the situation, there will still be the usual sensitive topics that both of us cant see eye to eye with.  And it will keep following us through… no matter what we do. It is exhausting… I need a pier to rest. I could not withstand the storm anymore. Together with my own problems at home, I find that I am too mentally and emotionally drained to handle such an exhaustive relationship. It is too pressurizing for me. 

It had been a very sweet relationship. With more of good memories than the bad, I can remember the intensive attraction and love we had for each other. Something I had never experience before. Packing my stuff for the move had me looking through the letters you had given me, the flowers that lives beyond their times moved by your sincerity, and all the effort you had been putting in. The photos that brings back such sweet sadness of the happy times we used to have.  I feel sad that things turn out this way. It is your temper that attracts me to you, and also the factor that pulls me away.  I had been driven to a depression point after you left, where I could not care less about anything cause it seems doom to me from the start. Could not forgive you for leaving me behind when I so desperately need you to be here.  I think I do hate myself for looking back, cause all I want is to leave all behind, to make it the past, something that should not be expected to rerun again.

It is still painful for me. Maybe it is all my fault. I had questioned myself what would happen instead if I have chance to retry from the start again.  And I realised that, I would react the same old ways again. The mental torture would still be there, I would find myself suffering from the same roller coaster emotional tremor ride again.  I heard from some friends about your relationships in UK. However, I dun feel the need to confront you anymore. No use bringing it up anymore

Had I been a very bad girlfriend? All the complaints that you said and displeasure that existed that I am not completely innocent of. Maybe we just not meant for one another. . I may never find anyone who is sweeter to me than you. Or anyone that loves me as much. I am therefore grateful that we met.

Sincerely hope someday happiness will come to you. Or it has already does. I don’t think we will cross each other’s path again after I move house. Please don’t feel bitter towards me, for I still keep, those good memories in me for life. Blessed people like you will lead a blissful life because you deserve it. Take care and good luck for everything.